My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
thanksgiving in nutshell
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.