I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
2023 was just a warmup
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.