Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
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[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.