I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.