I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
You Might Also Like
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Google assistant rules
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.