If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??