When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
You Might Also Like
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
*pokes sex life with a stick
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
my mom making me talk to relatives