I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
You Might Also Like
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*