Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again