Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Autocorrect is my menesis
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”