Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity