Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
You Might Also Like
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”