TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Quadruple digit IQ
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.