I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Truth
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.