I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
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If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
concern
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.