Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?