I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?