My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
That’s amazing.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Natty or not?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.