It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
broke down and did it
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Can’t, holding a grudge
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?