Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Ghost costume 😂
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.