Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Sooo many times…..
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Easy enough.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
reminder
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
A small tragedy.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.