If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
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i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen