*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Many hands make light work
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.