Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
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“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.