Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
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Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Mistakes were made
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
When I grow up, I want to be 16
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?