I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Yup
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!