sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
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*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions