I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
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If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better