Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.