Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this