Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Can’t. Being lazy.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I’m putting together a team
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.