They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?