Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
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A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Lmfao
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
multitasking lunch
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.