Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
You Might Also Like
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Perfect.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)