[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Jogging
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”