I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
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I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way