“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
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I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.