Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
how to market bottled water to dads
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.