Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
put ‘er there pardner!
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*