“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
philosophical skeletons be like
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You look like you would fail a DNA test
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”