My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.