Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
You Might Also Like
So inspired right now.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.