Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30