People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Two types of dogs.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.