We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
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H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.