Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.