What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
somebody come look at this
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
lol
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”