‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Camping tip: No.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.