the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
You Might Also Like
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If only
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.