“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I didn’t come here to be called names
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”